As my Grandmother’s Alzheimer’s progresses,I realize this will be her last Christmas. Perhaps she’ll remain with us in the flesh but other than that, she will not be here.

One of my own children sadly recognized that my Grandmother is not who she used to be and stated,”I wish I could have known her more when she was who she real is”.

I expected other family members would feel the same and would feel that this Christmas is a time to come together and gather around our family matriarch and relish the luxury of a fleeting time where she knows who we all are. The time has not come yet where she looks at her Granddaughter and sees a sister from childhood or a daughter she raised into a woman.I for one am dreading the day when I am no longer Rebecca in my Grandmother’s eyes and mind but her sister Ruth (who she never seemed to like too much) or worse - “Pinchbug Nellie”, the vile little girl who she went to school with and had a fierce rivalry that lasted until they both grew up and moved on to other lives.

The fact that I wanted a Christmas together with all my extended family should have been an indication to everyone that this is serious. I am not a fan of the holidays and as with most things I don’t like, I’ve made it abundantly clear to any and all who will listen. It’s the simple fact that my beloved Pagan holiday of Yule became perverted by Christianity and Commercialism combined with my dislike of being forced to be social with people who I have nada in common with beyond family ties.

I probably also am a little gun-shy of family gatherings, remembering holidays past when my Grandfather was alive. Christmas in our household usually dissolved into something seen on The Jerry Springer Show,fueled by my Grandfather who was an opinionated,stubborn,hard-headed and short tempered man who had a tendency to overreact and take every little thing the wrong way. Don’t get me wrong…..usually he was a kind and generous man who struggled to keep these quirks in check but something about the holidays unleashed the worst of him.

We did not put the fun in dysfunctional.

Maybe the rest of the family hears “family gathering” and flinches as well because no one had any intention of spending Christmas with my Grandmother.The remark that caused me to get my Irish up - waaaay up- was “Oh,she probably doesn’t even realize it’s Christmas”.

I am not close with my mother but the thought of abandoning her at the holidays when she’s at her end of days is unfathomable to me.For years these people have been in denial about my Grandmother’s (their own mother’s) health and now they seem to use her illness as a convenient scapegoat. All but one of her surviving children live within a mile radius. One mile. Yet they rarely even visit her on a regular basis and when she calls them on the phone (usually in a state of confusion and making little sense), they act as if she’s an annoyance call, just like a salesperson who calls during the dinner hour.

My Grandmother raised me as well and I consider myself one of her children.I grew up under her wing and knew only careful nurturing and tender care. If she had been a mother/grandmother who delivered admonishment with painful blows I could understand her children’s desire to disconnect from her.But there was nothing dark or sordid in her parenting - no cause for grown children to regard her as a disposable being.

Just because she isn’t exactly in her “right mind” most of the time doesn’t mean that she will not realize that it is Christmas and that there is no one surrounding her beyond her Granddaughter’s family. This is the last Christmas I feel sure that this will be the case. I just wanted it to be a good one.I wanted her to feel surrounded by love and devotion. I wanted her Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren to have fond last memories of their Grandmother.

As most things in life, things are not going according to plan.

In short? My so-called family makes me say “What the fuck?!” on a very regular basis.

I have had a hellacious day but hearing Muse’s version of “Feelin’ Good” immediately did something to improve my mood.

I think it would impossible for me to pick one favorite song of all time but Nina Simon’s “Feelin’ Good” is up there on the Top …uh….1,500. (I think I could narrow it down to that). It smells of summertime and sun and new promises and new beginnings and being alive and simply just BEING. Everytime I see a dragonfly, the lyrics Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, dont you know
Butterflies all havin fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
Thats what I mean
jump into my head, and I’m refreshed.

And Muse’s version? It’s awesome.

See?

I suppose I should take this opportunity also to thank Stephanie Meyer for introducing me to Muse.I loved that she included the playlist of the music she listened to while writing the Twilight Series and found myself listening while reading. I had heard Muse’s “Sing for Absolution” before, I had never taken it upon myself to listen to more and definitely did after that.

*goes back to dealing with vomit and tantrums*

Crazy stupid headlines in the news lately. They all kind of make me go “WTF?”.

The most exciting one for me yesterday was the official announcement that Peter Jackson will be producing The Hobbit

*squeals and does the Hobbit Happy Dance*

(you don’t even want to know what that dance looks like but I can tell you I’m just about short enough to pull it off with gusto)

All I have to say about that one little indiscretion that has made headlines and that everyone seems to be talking about is this: When I was 16 and knocked up ,it never made the headlines and I guarantee my pregnancy was far more shocking and unexpected to most people than one of the little Spears’ girls.

I just don’t see why this is news.750,000 teenage girls get pregnant every year and it’s not really daily news.More than half of them already lived in poverty when they became Mamas. The Spears are financially able to make sure their teenage daughter gets proper prenatal care and parenting classes and hire additional help to provide childcare so that their daughter can obtain a decent education so she can provide and care for her own child. Most girls her age in her situation cannot say the same and their daily lives providing for their children are full of uncertainties and instability without financial security and being assured of an education .

I’m just saying that I think there are a lot more girls out there worthy of focusing my attention on and unlike the popular consensus,I wouldn’t be focusing my attention on them to cast an appalled and disgusted judgment their way but instead to help encourage and support her so that she’s a parenting success instead of a trainwreck.

The twins’ birthday is the week after Christmas.I typically try to get them something a bit special since everyone else seems to be so sick (and poor) from the holidays that their birthday kind of gets shoved aside.

Lilly has been asking for a new guitar (you know…one her mother didn’t trip over and step on and smash to pieces?) and guitar lessons, so this will be her birthday present.

Commence Guitar Teacher Finding.

There is no shortage of people willing to teach guitar lessons here. If it’s not a Jazz Studies student from Ithaca College looking to earn cash so they can eat something other than ramen, then there’s always local musicians who need to score some extra bucks…so they can eat something other than ramen.

I am pretty sure I have found THE Perfect Person but when Lilly and I were discussing it the other day, she pipes up with,”You know,Mom…THE Perfect Person to teach me guitar would be Drake Bell.THAT’S what I want for my birthday.”

(This is the part where I rolled my eyes and died a little inside)

Ok,so hypothetically…let’s just say we live in Lilly Land and Drake Bell is just some ordinary local musician living down the street from us instead of some Disney Channel teen-star-thingy or whatever you want to call him.

Let’s compare the biographies and credentials of the guitar guru I have chosen (and am hoping she is still available to teach *crosses fingers*) and the one Lilly lusts after:

My Choice

Crow’s background in music is over 30 years and counting.
She is the mom of four, granny of two and recently the
focus of some folks attention because of the music she writes,
plays and sings.

Crow has studied classical, plectrum and experimental guitar
techniques most of her adult life. She has also taught guitar
and music theory for many years. Before deciding to perform
professionally, Crow earned an English/Creative Writing degree
in 1992 (focus Poetry, graduated with honors as an ‘older
student’) from Wells, a small women’s college in upstate New York.

Crow’s guitar playing is highly technical, she practices rigorously
and over the past 10 years has developed her own style of using the guitar as an extension of her work in the field of art.

“My vocal style comes from years of singing in choirs combined with a rebellious Appalachian lilt (I was born and raised in a small coal mining town in the Applachian mountains). My music is a reflection of my experiences in the mountains and away from them,of the things I have participated in and witnessed. My intention is to write, sing and play fearlessly in order to offer up stories of the human experience on this planet at this time.”

Lilly’s Choice

Drake Bell has been playing guitar for 3 years now. His favorite color is orange. He drives a ‘66 Mustang. He likes Italian food.He is mega fit. He is one of 5 children. He lives in a one bedroom apartment and his bedroom walls are painted orange

I think I win.

Ok,so in actuality, I DID read real bio info on Drake Bell that was not on some 12 year old girls fan page and admitted to myself that I have to give the boy props. However, even in Lilly Land, he doesn’t get the Guitar Teacher gig. I want her to pick up skills not just have eye candy to stare at.

One lesson learned over the weekend:

Saying ,”Rush sucks”,even said half-jokingly, is an inflammatory remark and can lead to heated debate.

I’m not a Rush fan. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because Geddy Lee looks like my least favorite aunt and I just can’t get past that.I just don’t know.

My darling son LOVES Rush,so much so that he has decided that his first tattoo will be this:

*shrugs* Fine with me. If it’s that important to him,than that’s all that matters. Just as long as I don’t have to have it tattooed onto my skin.

Holy crap,though….are all Rush fans as pretentious as my son? He honestly and truly said that people who like Rush are smarter that everyone else.

*stares*

I told him that someday I hope he gets a nice hunk of cash to do the research to back up that statement with scientific proof because I sincerely doubt my IQ is that much lower than someone who is a …a….whatever Rush fans call themselves. I mean,c’mon…if they’re THAT smart,then you’d think they’d have some clever collective term besides “Rush fans”.

“Their music is so complex and evolved that it takes a person with a highly developed mind to understand and appreciate it”

I laughed.

I don’t care if it means I’m stupid…I’m still not a fan. So there.

However….I conceded that perhaps I just have not listened to enough Rush and I promised him I would expand my musical horizons and listen to more. I don’t know how this is going to work out because that two weeks that his ringtone on his cellphone was set to “Tom Sawyer”, I wanted to throw his phone out the window every time it rang.

I think my head might explode if I have to subject myself to more.

Another musical conversation I had with my son this weekend went like this:
Him: Hey,Mom…have you ever heard of a band called Mastadon?

Me: *thinks back to when Mastodon’s album “Leviathan” came out a few years ago and I said to him,”Hey, you should listen to this band Mastodon”*

Me: Uh…yeah.

Him: My friend blahblah let me borrow some of their stuff.They’re awesome!

This happens constantly. I tell him about some new music or make a suggestion of something classic I think he’d like and he nods and says “Uh-huh” and then months…even years later, he starts listen to them on a recommendation of a friend.

So,yeah. I guess the lesson learned here is that if I have a musical suggestion for my son,I should tell one of his friends to tell him?

I have a severe case of winter blahs (just like every year.Goddamn Seasonal Affective Disorder crap) combined with constant illness since Maia started attending public school. These things confirm that 1) NY in winter SUCKS and is not for me and 2) children are just little disease carriers.

I managed put away my anti-social mood and have coffee with a friend yesterday, who surprisingly advised me to indulge The Blahs and wallow in it for a little bit…and then go back to being my normally positive and vivacious self.I don’t know if this is good advice but damn I want to follow it. At the very least,I might write some good emo songs during the duration.

I also found myself reasoning yesterday that since I’m a Pisces,I’m supposed to be emotional and moody and go through bouts of being maudlin and melodramatic and angsty ….and kind of live in my own little world. I have no idea why I pulled the astrology card since I’m not that devoted a follower to astrology (which is kind of funny because you know when you read those “Characteristics of Pisces” thingys? I could be the Pisces Poster Girl.Sad but true)

One compelling reason for not trusting my horoscope: My November “Sextrology” Scope promised more sex than I knew what to do with , with multiple partners ,especially Scorpio and Virgo. That definitely did not happen so somewhere out there,some Pisces person enjoyed all the sex I was supposed to be having.

Who knew Pisces were the whores of the zodiac?

I did not bother to check December’s. If it were the least bit accurate,it would say something like :”You will feel like shit every night this month and decline sex from your partner,mostly because you can’t breathe ,period….let alone heavily. You’re starting to look old and that John Mayer look-alike you try to flirt with will scoff because he is sooo not into that whole Mrs Robinson thing,especially when the Mrs Robinson-ish woman isn’t exactly MILF material.Stay away from other Pisces who indulged in a month long Sexfest in November and probably have at the very least chlamydia.”

Seriously,though.I am trying to pull myself out of this funk I’m in and be more like my normal self. Not that my usual self was ever that “normal” anyway but normal for ME at least.I feel like a have a little black rain cloud over my head all the time. I don’t mind it occasionally but I much prefer clear skies.