Sometimes being mundane is extremely comforting.There isn’t much emotions involved in it so today…I shall be mundane and share all the boring things in my life, in very random fashion.

I watched all 6 episodes of One Punk Under God and really enjoyed it. After watching the scary religious documentaries I’ve seen lately, I didn’t want to see any more. What movies like Jesus Camp and the like do is show the horrible stuff about the religious right…which I already know exists and just makes me angrier. I just wanted to see someone doing the positive side for once.

And as Bob as my witless, I will never make fun of Tammy Faye Bakker again. Seriously.

Today, I Freecycled a big box of jigsaw puzzles,a stereo with no speakers and some books.It feels good to purge stuff.
I cleaned the stupid guinea pig cage this morning. I really want to Freecycle them too.

I got an email this morning from a fellow Etsy seller who made this fabulous directory of Etsy shops that make cloth diapers and accessories. She was just letting me know that she added me to the directory (which is awesome,of course) and passed on the link . So, if you’re looking for handmade diapers,covers,longies,wipes,etc……this is the place to look: Etsy Cloth Diaper Directory

Dmitri is obsessed with the movie Cars lately. It invaded my dreams last night. I dreamed that we bought this little run down motel (you know,the type with the cabins?) and “refurbished” them and decorated them all very shabby chic and cool.And we named it The Cozy Cone.

Weird stuff.

We’re expecting some bullshit winter storm nonsense tonight. Lots of snow, very very cold…with ice! Whee! I just can’t wait.

This probably should be proceeded by a warning,as these are unfiltered thought purged off the top of my head. There’s probably bits that fall into the category of Too Much Information and graphic bits that will make the squeamish squeam.

When I realized I was miscarrying,I read all those e-pregnancy websites that tell you what to expect when you’re no longer going to be expecting and I found them terribly vague. “You will experience cramping and bleeding”. Ok. How much? How long?

So, I began with the cramping and bleeding. Neither were horrible. I thought to myself that this was nothing like on TV or in the movies, where a distressed woman is laying on the floor doubled over in pain in a pool of blood. I thought that probably those kinds of miscarriages DO happen to some women but not most and the reason writers choose those types of miscarriages is purely for dramatic effect. Something so tragic should be marked with something physically dramatic.

This of course was before the miscarriage started in earnest apparently. But what did I know? I’ve never been through one and I couldn’t recall anyone ever discussing the details of their own miscarriage.

I went to bed and had horrible dreams laced with fetuses and blood. Then I woke up in excruciating pain and a lot of blood. I thought,”Oh,so here’s the Movie Miscarriage afterall “. But even then,the movies don’t really tell you anything. Should I really feel like there’s someone with a scythe inside my womb? Should there really be this much blood. How much blood is too much? How long does this whole thing go on? In the movies,they just change scenes and don’t explain all that stuff.

In plain terms, miscarriages are cruel and in even simpler terms, miscarriages suck big fat hairy donkey balls. You go through pain as if you’re in labor but instead of delivering this beautiful newborn, you just pass tremendous bloody clots and “the products of conception”, if you want be clinical about it. Less clinically, it’s what was a baby and the placenta and all the tissue that supports it. I know that people like the clinical terms better because it sounds nicer but I’ve always been one to say it like it is. For instance, when some one dies…they’re dead. They haven’t “passed”.They didn’t “go”. They just plain died.

It’s no secret that I was not thrilled to learn I was having another baby but regardless, I still have feelings of loss. I had made this decision to add another baby and we quickly adapted like parents should. We picked out names, started to make plans to reorganize our life around the newest little addition and prepared for it’s arrival. It was going to be welcomed and loved. Really, it would have been.

There’s something else I feel,though too and that is a sense of relief. Because of the sense of relief, there’s a twinge of guilt alongside it but nothing I intend to beat myself up over.

During this pregnancy, I had moments of sheer panic and anxiety. People would say,”Boy,are you going to have your hands really full now!”. Dmitri would have a toddler fit and I’d hear,”Ha,just think what it’s going to be like with another little one around!”. Comments were made about how Dmitri wasn’t going to adjust well to not being the baby anymore.

All these comments thrown at me were not helping to prepare me mentally for adding a 6th child. All they did was make me think,”Oh my god.I should just go have an abortion right now.”

So there it is. I secretly thought I shouldn’t be having this baby and voila…I got my wish.And at the same time, I wished for having a healthy baby and was doing all the right things to make sure that happened. I was coveting baby clothes and sewing diapers and even taking goddamn prenatal vitamins I hated with a passion.
Talk about having conflicted feelings,huh?

When we realized I was miscarrying,Bob was sympathetic . I assured him it was probably all for the best. The baby just wasn’t meant to be and I was relieved that Mother Nature took care of it instead of bringing to fruition a life that wasn’t quite whole. If I’m anything at all, it’s honest with myself. I can’t ever see me being the mother who can handle a baby with severe birth defects. I’d probably take on the role out of a sense of duty and end up a sort of charlatan martyr.I don’t think that role suits anyone,particularly me.

The strange thing is, in the past when I’ve been pregnant I’ve been able to see the future a little bit, at least in a daydream where I picture what the new baby will look like,etc. I was never able to see anything and I guess I know why now.

And lastly, I recognize that pregnant women don’t know what to say to a woman who miscarries. Honestly,don’t sweat it. Don’t feel guilty because you’re having a baby and I’m not. It’s ok. That’s just the way it goes sometimes.

I started spotty bleeding Sunday evening. By Monday morning,I was pretty certain I was having a miscarriage.
Last night was rough…..several hours of very painful cramping and passing clots followed by a couple hours of very heavy bleeding. I tried to sleep but I’d wake up soaked and have to get up.

Now that it’s time to be awake, I’m exhausted and I have minimal cramping and the bleeding has slowed down.

I’m just glad the worst seems to be over.Beyond that,I have no real feelings to share at the moment. I’m pretty sure my feelings are all the normal,typical feelings that women have. I’ll deal with all that at some point. Right now, I just want to rest and heal.

The Sunday Seven

7 Things That Prove My Hubby Loves Me

1. He nags me to take those damn pre-natal vitamins. I didn’t take pre-natal vitamins at all with my first 2 pregnancies and this wasn’t acceptable to him for pregnancy 3 & 4 …and now 5. (I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning but….my firstborn and the twins were born perfectly healthy,even sans prenatal vitamins).He breathes down my neck, asking me every day, “Have you taken your vitamin??” .I know it’s because he loves me, even if it does annoy the crap out of me.He’s not the one who has to take the damn horse pills!

2. He cleaned our room this weekend. I don’t know what this was about but I know enough to just be grateful and not ask the whys of it.

3. Saturday when I was whining about my caffeine withdrawal,without me asking , he put on his coat and went out into 15 degree weather to walk down to the coffee shop so I could have one deliciously wonderful dose of crack in a cup.

4. He is enthusiastically encouraging me to post my own story and pictures on Shape of a Mother. He doesn’t see my body as damaged and unattractive. Just like they are to me, he sees my stretchmarks as badges of honor and the changes my body has gone through are just natural things that happen to a woman who has given life to another human being.

5. He doesn’t look at me too terribly funny when he sees me knitting with knitting needles the size of tree branches and strips of an old t-shirt that used to be his. I think he knows better than to ask anymore and just quietly accepts it.

6. He brought home chocolate and the other day, he brought home sock yarn.

7. After all this time, he’s still here. Why, I have no idea. Again,I’m not questioning.

Yesterday, Chris brought to my attention the news story about the Christian group that plans to protest at Heath Ledger’s memorial service. It’s because he played a gay cowboy,you know…promoting sodomy and other things that good Christians never,ever do.

I echoed his sentiments that ,indeed - those people are really disturbing. Then this morning,I was recounting the story to hubby and for whatever reason felt compelled to go check out the website of the religious group that is planning said protest. On my monitor in huge blue letters, read” Thank God Heath Ledger is Dead!” and continued on to praise the fact that Heath is now in Hell for playing a fag.

I think I felt more disgusted having that appear on my computer than the most subversive deviant porn known to man. Water bondage combined with scat and beastiality is appealing compared to that nonsense.

Since this group says that God hates America…and they claim to love this God guy….then I can’t help but wonder why they want to stay in America? Maybe they should team up with that Christian group that wants to move to South Carolina and secede from the United States? I think instead of moving to South Carolina (which I would never condone because I know some people in South Carolina I like and would hate their state ruined), I suggest they just go buy an island and colonize it as their Godly Nation they so covet.

I know…this isn’t a terribly constructive or tolerant idea. Being a follower of pagan traditions, I’m sensitive to religious tolerance and recognize that particular group of people have the right to their beliefs but the manner they practice their beliefs does nothing to better society and that offends me a member of the human race.

I personally think it’s a great idea, religious intolerance aside (Not that it’s exactly being intolerant to be against these groups - it’s really just being conscientious of what’s happening in the arena of domestic terrorism.)
From an anthropological and societal standpoint,it’s a perfect opportunity to observe and study a theological society and a chance to see how a society different from ours operates.With the success of Meercat Manor on The Animal Planet, I’m sure The Discovery Channel could develop a hit reality series. They could call it Island of Intolerant Idiots God’s Great Garden. Or something equally catchy and dorky.

Something tells me that within 2 months, some woman is caught on camera Googling abortifacients and ordering pennyroyal by mail order and some men are busted sneaking away from prayer meeting for a special private moment alone. I’m just a realistic observer of human nature who doesn’t believe for a second that a conceptual deity can dictate human things that have happened since man and women walked the earth.

Religious banter aside, I sincerely hope this group doesn’t interrupt memorial service happenings too terribly much. I don’t care who died….people who are mourning have a right to mourn the person they loved without him or her being judged . It’s just common decency.It’s a shame some people in our society lack that.

Today was my first day without my coffeepot. I had a mug of hot tea in lieu…and still…my world isn’t right. I’m figuring out that my morning cup of coffee is just sacred ritual and not a physical dependency.

I’m grumpy. Granted, I’m not all sparkling sunshine and daisies in the morning but without my morning cup of coffee, I’m kind of like a cross between a zombie and Attila the Hun.

Today’s Toddler Word & Definition: Bread Stove
A thing on the counter that has slots on the top. Bread goes in the slots….you push down on the knob in front and voila…toast.

Silly grown-ups call this thing a toaster but Dmitri knows that this is really a Bread Stove.

At least I have really entertaining kids to make me less grumpy.

I just read this thing on Yahoo about couples who fight having a longer life expectancy. This is good news. I might make it to see my 100th birthday! I’m sure there are some couples who read that and think,”Oh,great! Now I’m stuck with that bastard even longer?”.

(I wasn’t thinking it. Just saying that one might think that. Just for the record…)

On today’s agenda: Doing a total clean-up of the girls’ room. I’m really sick of stepping on legos and other sharp things every time I walk through there. Plus, the amount of clothes they own that will not fit in a dresser or closet needs to be dealt with pronto. I think we could clothe a small nation just with what they toss on the floor.

When President Bush stands before a crowd of pro-life demonstrators and says,You’re here because you know that all life deserves to be protected… I’m proud to be standing with you,” .

All life deserves to be protected.
This from a man who began a war that has killed over 100,000 people. I do not draw distinctions between American lives and Iraqi lives in that tally because after all by Bush’s own statement, ALL life deserves to be protected.A life is a life.Period.

If you’re pro-life,then you help to make changes in the world so that more than half the world doesn’t go to bed hungry and die of starvation. Just because you’re own children’s bellies are full at night doesn’t mean everything is right in the world and you really should give a damn. No…strike that. You should give more than a damn.

If you take a stance for pro-life, then you also don’t make policies that destroy the environment. That “life” thing applies to animals and trees and the ecosystem,too ya know.

If you care about children enough to save their life, then you take a child who was born into this world who was tossed aside like last week’s leftovers,only not treated as delicately and raise it as your own.For whatever reason, a woman gave birth to a child she didn’t want. Maybe she was guilted by pro-life rhetoric. Maybe she just didn’t care from the very start. She gave birth to a child and didn’t feed it. She left it alone. She hit it when it cried. Sometimes she did worse. Someone cared enough to call attention to what she was doing and that kid was put in a foster home.And then another. and another. And abused,neglected some more. Made to feel alone,worthless ,unloved,unwanted. If you value all life,then you do something about the lives that made it into this world who weren’t wanted and loved and stop worrying about non-viable fetuses.

There are far too many children in this world NOW who need to be cared for. Let’s take care of the ones we got first before we start saving others that aren’t even here.

I’m sorry. I just really hate hypocrites.

Every single post on The Shape of a Mother is awe inspiring and wonderful but this one today is just begging to be shared:

All of you are beautiful from Eric

I ran into your site indirectly but looked anyway. I am the husband of a beautiful 43 year old mother of 3. She has put on weight over the years but is still incredibly sexy. She has always had a good self image and also sees herself as sexy. I am happy to see your site helping women who may be suffering from the lie that women all over are told; that you must be thin and “perfect” to be beautiful. I looked at each picture and found all of the women in them sexy and beautiful. These are truly what women look like and truly what beauty is. Keep up the good work.

It’s nice to see proof that there are other men besides my own who feels so positive about what is essentially the true shape of women (meaning,ALL shapes and sizes)

And really…it’s a good thing that my hubby feels this same way because so far this year my “resolution” to get into shape has had to be amended to allow for round being a perfectly acceptable shape to be in.

[Recently Watched] The Queen, The Office;Season 2 episodes

[Currently Reading]
An Arsonist’s Guide to Writers’ Homes in New England: A Novel by Brocke Clark
Beloved by Toni Morrison

I am really determined to not spend the duration of this pregnancy bitching about being pregnant. I actually enjoy being pregnant,for the most part.So far, I haven’t had too much to complain about anyway. I feel really good - except for today, when I have nausea combined with some stomach flu, which I acquired from Maia.

This weekend was not fun but since I think there’s enough Blogging Mommies who have cornered the market on their child’s bodily functions, I shall refrain from sharing. What it all amounts to anyway is: I don’t feel good and I have an insane amount of laundry to get caught up on.

I heard that last week on The View, those lovely ladies were discussing Unassisted Birthing. I have watched The View perhaps 4 times in my whole life but I hate that show and think all the women on there are bitches.With the exception of Whoopi,of course. I have searched You Tube and cant find a clip but from what I understand, they described Unassisted Birthing as the “newest fad” and of course, “irresponsible and stupid”.

Unassisted Birthing is hardly the newest fad. How on earth do these women think civilization began and continued on until the invention of OB-GYNs 100 or so years ago?

On the subject of water birthing,one of the ladies said she’d rather be on dry land and the consensus was ,give me all the drugs you have the minute I enter the third trimester.

Of course, this is all second hand information but I believe it to be right on track according to what I know of the views of the ladies on The View. I hate how they perpetuate misinformation and breed ignorance.

Also, has anyone else noticed that Clay Aiken seems to always be a guest on that show? Ew.

Someone give me my own talk show ,please? The Mars Volta has a new album coming out today. I would love to have Omar and Cedric share their genius with the world. The political commentary will stay but won’t be sedate and polite like it is now (I watched the segments with Colin Powell yesterday and I honestly do respect him and his thoughts but I would have been a little more forward with questions pertaining the war and the Bush admin).. My fashion segments will feature awesome Indie designers who combine environmental and social responsibility with looking cool (and of course,will be modeled by models who look like they eat more than celery).Oh…and I’ll breastfeed my toddler while talking.

Who wants to be my co-hosts?

Last night, the oldest offspring was in the school Talent Show with a band recently thrown together, comprised of a few cross country running team mates and himself.

I walked in the door and the Talent Show organizer said, “Oh, you’re here to see your son! I hope you brought your earplugs,They’re loud!”

Well, duh.Of course they’re loud.They’re a rock band,silly

His band - The Designers - named after a Queens of the Stoneage song, performed a song they wrote together.To me,it seemed heavily inspired by The Misfits laced with Queens of the Stoneage influences. But whatever…I thought they were awesome. I’m not biased of anything,you know.

I could have easily gone into Stage Mom mode and didn’t. There were only 2 other bands entered in the competition and all the equipment was set up on the stage,ready and waiting for when it was their turn to perform. Dylan’s band was the last band to go on . While I was watching the 2 bands that preceded their’s, I noticed that the microphone sound quality sucked. It was hard to understand what the hell the singers were even singing and it was very muffled.

I somehow restrained myself from ordering some professional sound tech guy in there to fix the situation before my son got on stage.Afterall, it was only fair. If the other two guys had to sound like they were singing underwater with a mouth full of marbles, then I guess it was only fair that my kid had to sound like that too.Even though I would have really like to have heard clearly the lyrics he took time to write himself. Hmmph.

I know you’re all asking,”So,did they win? Did they win?”

No,he did not, which was really ok and I don’t think they expected to. It was all for fun.

Amidst the few bands,the numerous vocalists, baton twirlers,skit performers,dancers,pianists and hula hoopers , shone one young man - a 3rd grader who would have made John Bonham proud. Accompanied by his dad on guitar, we could barely see the 9 year old behind the drum set but he was most definitely there and it was clear that dad was a mere accessory to help showcase this kids talent. Thankfully, the judges agree with my assessment and declared this kid the winner of the whole shebang.

Sitting next to me was Maia,trying hard to not get folded up in her auditorium seat and perched upon a pile of coats so she could she over big people’s heads. When Drummer Boy was performing,I looked over to see a look of transfixed awe on her face. I asked her,”So,what do you think of him?”

“Finally, someone with talent!”

And quietly she added,’And he’s cute,too”.

Help.As if it’s not bad enough that there were girls screaming for my son on stage, I have a (nearly) 7 year old who has potential to become a groupie.

On a sidenote, I know this post lacks video footage of the evening’s events.When I got to the show,I realized the batteries in my camera were dead. I must have grabbed the ones that Lilly had just put into the charger instead of the ones I made sure to put in the charger first thing in the morning so I would be sure to have my camera fully operational. I saw many people videotaping,though and am currently tracking down someone who is willing to share…