Most mothers will tell you,with a slight edge of exasperation in their voice,”I can’t even go to the bathroom alone anymore!”. I will agree that since becoming a mother,uninterrupted time alone in the bathroom is a rare occurrence. I shave one leg at a time and often go for days before I can make them match. I can usually get into the bathroom,close the door and count to five before I hear the dulcet tones of a youngster caterwauling,”Moooooommmmm” down the hall.

So, why should I be surprised when this afternoon, I ran upstairs to pee and within seconds, 2 children burst through the door without warning? There wasn’t even the familiar “Moooommmmm!!!” preceding the interruption.

I was about to lecture the two girls about how incredibly rude it is to just barge in on someone going to the bathroom ,when Lilly turned towards me,wild eyed and dramtic and said,”Oh thank god you’re still alive! We were sure the zombies had gotten to you!”. In her hands,she holds a part to my vacuum cleaner,wielding it like a sword. She turns to her sister, who is armed with a wiffle ball bat, and says,”I found a survivor! You stay with her and I’ll check the shower for zombies.”

Trailing behind them was their little brother,completely naked.”Where are you clothes?”,I asked. Lilly excitedely informed me that zombies were about to grab him and took his clothes while they were rescuing him. Dmitri solemnly nodded confirmation,”Zombies took my clothes.”

Well, sheesh…if I had known there was potential for a zombie being in such close proximity,I would have acted much  dumber than usual while going about my business. I may have taken much longer than rationally possible and probably put myself into harms way many times before leaving the scene. I would have cued much better music in my head to set the tone.

You know that person you watch scary movies with who always yells at the people on the screen and tells them how stupid they are? I’m that person.

“Oh my god,you moron…don’t stop and kiss her NOW!!! What the fuck?There’s no time for that. Are you really THAT horny that it can’t wait until danger isn’t eminent? ” “Why are you just sitting there? Do SOMETHING,dumbass!”

I’m annoying,I know.

Anyway, back to today’s zombie incident…

Lilly runs over to the shower,opens the curtain,let’s out a shriek and swings at the air. She stands back with satisfaction and tells her cohorts,”That ones dead.Let’s go.”, and they run out the door.

I’m left behind to fend for myself. I holler down the hallway,”Hey,what about meeee! Don’t leave me!!”,playing up the damsel in distress role. No response. Fine,be that way. I went back downstairs to make dinner,figuring my part in this zombie-killing adventure was all over.

A full hour later,the house was much quieter. The kids had dispersed from their zombie hunting team and gone off to do other things on their own. I’m in the kitchen ,smashing a box under my foot before tossing it into the recycle bin. Lilly casually wanders by ,pats me on the back and says,”Way to bash that zombies brains in with your foot,Mom.”

Go me.